What's This Fairytale Called Again?

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

At the end of May I started working from home. Before that, I was a full time play date planner, ass-wiper, unlimited food-prepper, nap-regulator… Anything else I left out? But now, I work and do all of those things. And I’m wondering how people do this. Once, twice, three times over.. 
I’ll be honest with you. I had a fairytale belief that child-rearing was the most blissful experience one could ever have in their lives. I pictured myself at home with my children laughing and teaching them everything they need to know, with a clean house and amazing dinners prepared that I found in cookbooks. I look back on that thought and just laugh at myself for ever thinking it could be this way. 
By the time Lucca was 6 months old, I felt like my brain was mush, I was tired, found myself in pajamas until 2 PM and I was always looking for every opportunity to just get out of my house. I had a good run with a few good recipes, but that ended quickly. The amount of freaking dirty dishes in my sink was enough to make me feel like I was drowning. So NOT the fairytale I imagined it to be. 
And this still isn’t so. Now that I have a mundane data-entry job that I do 32 hours a week, my fairytale is long gone. We’re lucky if either of us gets dressed before dinner time, he’s locked up in baby jail with Mickey Mouse’s god awful obnoxious voice on repeat while I’m working, I’ve ruined more dinners than I can count (much to Greg’s disappointment), and I feel like I’m in a dungeon in my basement until we’re “free” when I clock out for the day. To top that off, I go to bed at 8:30, usually with a glass of wine half-spilling from my hand. Honestly, I’d like for this so-called fairytale to be like Sleeping Beauty so I could sleep for 100 years…

I’ve always wanted to be a mama, I’ve always wanted to be able to do it all-(complete with a big ass smile on my face to show how much I love it) but some days I just don’t. I’ll always look back on what I thought this was all going to be like and laugh— all while my kid is screaming “Mamamamamamamama” and throws his VTech maraca at my face. But then he laughs uncontrollably (at my expense) with his two measly bottom teeth sticking out, and it’s all worth it. And we’ll do it all again tomorrow…

Monday, July 28, 2014

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Universe Is Speaking

The universe is speaking.
Today was one of those days where the universe tries to get you to slow down just enough to stop and listen to what it’s telling you. 
A funeral and a baby shower in the same day. 
To some, this is just a coincidence. For me, I take it as some kind of sign: This is your life. Be in love with it. There is a beginning, and there is always an end. The time in between is what you make it. 
The petty things that often get in the way of our happiness are so meaningless. The he-said-she-said, the constant worry of pleasing others, plans that fall through… None of this matters. 
Relationships. Experiences. These are the things that matter. 
Today is a sign for me to stop, be thankful, and take it all in. This is
my “time in between” & I hope it’s something I can look back on when I’m 96 years old and say, “yep, that was a damn good life.” 

RIP Faye, and welcome to the world(soon) baby Noah.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

"You know that place between sleep and awake, 
the place you can still remember dreaming? 
That’s where I will always love you… 
That’s where I will be waiting."
~Peter Pan

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. 
And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, 
even if it’s just in your own eyes. 

~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Today on our social calendar...

Since having Lucca and being at home with him full-time, I joined a moms group via Facebook. I’ve been on stroller meetups, coffee dates, playground hangouts, you name it. I didn’t want Lucca and I to be in a bubble and really felt like he should have some “baby socializing time”, while I interact with people who don’t need someone to feed them or wipe their ass. Win-Win. 

Today, we hosted our own baby play date. Play dates are so awkward. For me, anyway. I’m not one to go out of my way to meet people, and here I am opening up my home to strangers and their kids whom I’ve only corresponded with online. Yes, this may seem weird to you. Ah, the things we do for our kids. It was a great playdate though— these moms plan playdates at wineries, score! And hey, the little ones had a good time too. I will always worry however that my floor isn’t clean enough and I will offend all these people who enter my house with their little babe. (I use a lot of ‘sentence enhancers’, also known as curse words.) I hope everyone knows that dog hair is an accessory in our house, and yes we are killing the environment by using disposable diapers. Cause that’s just how we roll…

Monday, July 21, 2014

Never waste an opportunity to go to the park. 
This only lasts for a short while. 
Swing them until your arm is sore. 
Point to every airplane in the sky.

Are You Ready?

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I remember people asking me: “Are you ready? Are you excited?” Was I ready? No. Was I ready to not be pregnant anymore? Yes. Gaining 51 pounds, not being able to see my toes, getting jabbed in the ribs and feeling like an Orca whale in the deep end of the neighborhood pool. Yep, I was over it.

I just didn’t know what to expect. I knew the obvious end result: 9 months of growing a tiny human and then said human would magically appear into this world. I feel so bad for Greg, because some nights I’d just sit up crying hysterically about how I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and I’m not ready to be a mother yet. (Right, like I could just hold out for a little while longer while I prepared myself a little more.) Greg was so confused. Damn hormones. Like what the hell lady? You wanted a baby. You’re getting a baby. And NOW you’re freaking out?
In those last final moments in the delivery room, I remember having a slight panic attack. Hours had passed, there was a lot of pain, some just-get-through-it laughter, lots of tears… but when it was actually time and the nurses were getting out baby blankets and setting up the bassinet, I freaked. “So like, this is it? He’s going to be here?”  Umm, yep—that is why we’re here right? Great, now they think I’m crazy too.

And in a matter of minutes, I suddenly was thrown into motherhood. It wasn’t what I pictured it to be. Me smiling and kissing and ooohing and ahhing over this newborn babe. No. I was hysterically crying—again. It was like one of those uncontrollable laughing-but-you’re-crying cries because you don’t know exactly what you’re feeling. It was weird. And beautiful at the same time. And dude, I had a baby. 
Those next few days in the hospital went by so quickly. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, Greg and I were freaking parents, PARENTS. And every time doctors or nurses would come in, I felt like they assumed we knew all this stuff. Did I read the books? The blogs? Yes. But this is like, real life. Wait, he’s gotta eat again? Did you change him? I can’t freaking swaddle to save my life. Again. Crazy town. I’m sure as they rolled me outta there all the nurses said in unison “Phew, Good luck to her!”
And now, with Lucca being 9 1/2 months old, somehow we’ve made it this far with a healthy and happy baby and Greg and I have been pretty damn happy too. I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Sometimes I stand in the checkout line at Target thinking, “Holy shit. This is MY kid I’m pushing around in the cart. And crap, he just ate my to-do list”. Great days, frustrating days, emotionally draining days…everyday a new experience.
Was I ready? No. But can you ever really be ready for this?