Susie Homemaker (I Am Not)

Friday, October 31, 2014


This week my level of domesticity has been raised: I, my friends, have begun meal planning.

To be honest, I laughed at people that did this. Like really? Do you put on a little polka-dot apron too? I hate cooking and really did not see myself as planning actual meals. I can’t even follow recipes correctly. WTF is a measuring spoon? Just throw that shit in, it’ll be good!
But, after countless trips to the grocery store (sometimes on a daily basis) and so many “what do you want for dinner” phone calls, we needed a change. I told Greg about my little plan, told him to pick out 3 recipes from my Pinterest, and we’d go from there.
And so far so good! I’m for 3 for 3, all successful, all delicious, and I haven’t been to the grocery store at all this week. We have tons of leftovers for tonight and even tomorrow, and I haven’t had to even mutter any words about dinner plans. 
However, I still don’t follow recipes. Maybe one day I will. I’ll actually buy the leeks (whatever the hell those are) that are listed in the ingredients, I’ll actually simmer on medium-high heat, and I’ll actually put in 1/4 tsp of salt. This week, I did not. And that shit was delicious— so who needs a recipe anyway?
So, in case you are wondering what we made this week, here’s our “menu”:
Tuesday: Vodka Penne with Tomatoes & Prosciutto (family recipe)




5 Ways To Survive The Day with a One-Year-Old

Thursday, October 23, 2014


1. Get out of the house.  Seriously, who wants to be cooped up in their house all day long, never to see the light of day? I feel accomplished if I get around the block. A plus if the dog comes along. Go for a walk, go to the park, go to the library, who cares, just get out. You both need a change of scenery and anywhere will work as long as its not a.) your living room b.) your dungeon basement c.) your kitchen. 
2. Snacks are essential. I love that Lucca knows how to sign “more” but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in dead-stop traffic with him clapping like a damn seal in the backseat because he wants more crackers. But of course I only packed a measly THREE crackers because… well, there is no real reason. But it never fails— he wants more snacks, I don’t have any, madness ensues. ALWAYS. PACK. MORE. 
3. Keep ‘em busy...with anything. Sounds easy, right? I struggle with this because Lucca wants to play play play, and I have to work work work, so unfortunately he’s left to play with the gang on Sesame Street for awhile until I can do that. But, I do try and cycle out his toys from upstairs and downstairs so he doesn’t have to play with the same thing every single day. And I’m sure you would agree that babies like everyday objects way more than the loud obnoxious toys— so give them that empty diaper box or empty tupperware to throw around. They’ll appreciate it and so will you. 
4. After breakfast, lunch and dinner, don’t even TRY to clean up. It won’t matter. Instead, take your little one out of the highchair, give ‘em a good wipe down, and shake off the rest of his meal onto the floor for the dog. If you don’t have a dog, retire the broom and adopt a dog ASAP.

5. Have a sense of humor. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started to cry, then instead just busted out laughing. To anyone watching me do this, you would think I was certifiably insane. But, it helps to know that this, my friend, is not the end of the world.  All you can do in that moment—whether you have shit in your hair, the dog is barking uncontrollably and the baby won’t stop crying, the dishes pile up past your eyeballs—is laugh. Just laugh and move on. Because really, it could be A LOT worse.

T.G.I.F.F.

Saturday, October 18, 2014


After coming off of a birthday-high and having a few days where Lucca actually slept in to a decent hour (which Greg and I both were feeling pretty good about) —BOOM. It was over as soon as it began. 
11 p.m.
1 a.m.
4 a.m.
4:30 a.m.
I hate this “let’s guess why you’re not sleeping” phase. Teeth? Cold? Scared? I’m convinced there is NO answer. I looked over in my in-between state of sleeping/not-sleeping and then this 30 pound little person was suddenly slapping my face, climbing up my pillows, and poking my eyeballs. God, I love you kid, but really? Really.
Greg has been a saint the past few weeks and getting up with him on these super early days.  He finally took him downstairs since he was obviously just rip-roaring-ready for Friday to begin, and I stayed in bed. I’m not sure if I really slept, I rolled around for awhile, jumped in the shower, dressed, and headed downstairs to work. 
I was only on the computer for a few minutes until I had to finally answer my hunger pangs. I went back upstairs to make my Herbalife shake for breakfast, and of course… he saw me passing by.
Not wanting to ignore him, I walked over, stepped over the gate, tripped on a toy, and ta-dah! (because I don’t have another word for it)-Banana shake all over the freaking place.
Glopped in my hair. 
Glopped on my clothes.
Glopped in the carpet.
And there he is. Staring at me. Laughing. I know he was laughing…
I literally, screamed out loud. I don’t know if it helped, but I just screamed as loud as I could. Nothing specific. Just a good ol’ “AHHHHHHH”. I think I scared Greg, because he came and got Lucca away from this horrific scene— a stressed out, exhausted mother sitting in glob of protein shake inside of a baby jail. 
To top this day off, I had 3 (YES THREE) fillings at the dentist this morning and I feel like I got beat in the face with a baseball bat.
Thank God it’s F*#*$(* Friday,  ya’ll. 

What Teaching Pre-K Has Taught Me About Being a Parent

Friday, October 17, 2014


"Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I was a preschool teacher at a great private school in Fairfax, VA. Those years spent in the classroom pre-baby have really taught me a few things about parenthood... "


You can read the rest of my guest post on The Baby Spot here on their website.

As always, thank you for your support.

Hello, 5 a.m.

Monday, October 13, 2014



5 a.m. wake-up time has become the new normal in this house, and instead of fighting it, we’ve just had to embrace it. And boy did we fight it. We tried to ignore it. We rocked and rocked and rocked. We played music. We (gasp!) brought him in our bed. Nope. Not happenin’. So hello, 5 a.m. You’re all dark, and cold, but I guess I should get to know you since we’ll be seeing each other for awhile.
I’ll be honest, it’s really difficult to start the day when it’s still black as night outside. So yes, yes you will crawl around and play and watch Sesame Street and I will hide inside your Mickey Mouse sleeping bag until it is a somewhat decent time in the morning to start making moves. Or until Greg tags in and I can climb back in to bed. WHERE IS YOUR DAD?

I’m just going to take it as he loves us so damn much and just can’t wait to see us in the morning. That’s totally it. 

I must confess...

Wednesday, October 8, 2014



It’s been a whirlwind of a year and as I’ve fully embraced motherhood there are a few confessions I must make:
1. I’m still pinching myself. Sometimes I feel as if I’m having an out-of-body experience where I’m looking down at myself and think “holy crap, you have a kid”. It’s still me. I’m still the same person. But I grew a human and now I’m raising this little person who is half-me-half-Greg. Like, whoa. Is this happening? Yep, it’s happening. And when I’ll ever get passed this feeling, I’m not sure. 
2. People annoy me more than ever. Yep, it’s true. I guess more than ever  I just don’t have time to listen to people’s shit. Whether its unsolicited advice, lame excuses, complaining about a.) being tired b.)being hungover c.) being tired andhungover, or just the most trivial day-to-day things, I can’t. I just can’t. I get it, not everyone has kids and has to deal with teething or explosive shit on a daily basis, but you just have to understand that I can’t empathize with you the way I could before. Nor will I listen to your advice about feeding/clothing/raising my kid. Maybe motherhood has made me more bitchy, but hey, when you haven’t slept in months and you’ve got a miniature person who relies on you every second of every day, I’m gonna guess you’d be a little bitchy too.
3. I still want to hangout with my friends. I don’t sit around wishing about the life I had before a baby, but I do wish people looked at Greg and I as the same people when they consider plans. Yes, we might have to look into getting a babysitter and will more than likely need at least a week’s notice, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t like to go out. Don’t just “assume” that we can’t go because we’ve got a babe and not invite us to things. We still want to go to late dinners, we still want to go on trips and meet up at bars for drinks. Just ask. Please ask. 
4. Sometimes I wonder how I ever taught preschool. It’s totally different when you teach kids and don’t have kids yourself. Because I’m pretty sure that if what I’m doing right now taking care of Lucca were a “job” with a “boss”, I’d be fired. Like, straight up F-I-R-E-D. The amount of F-bombs that fly out of my mouth on a daily basis is not exactly a teacher-y thing to do. And I’m most definitely not fluttering around here singing The Wheels On the Bus and painting rainbows. It’s just different. I clocked in, clocked out, had a great day or sometimes a not-so-great day, but the kids went home and so did I and not all the pressure was on me. 
(Don’t worry former parents, I did not drop any F-bombs while teaching your kids. Promise. I might have wanted to as I’m sure you can understand, but ya know, preschool teachers just don’t do that.)

5. I still don’t have a damn clue what I’m doing.  I like to pretend like I know what I’m doing, or that I’ve got it all together, but no, just no. The second I think I have it all figured out, Lucca throws me a friggin’ curve ball and I’m left feeling  frustrated, confused, exhausted, defeated.. you name it.  I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life, and with all the rewards, there sure are a lot of tears to get to that point, but damn is it all worth it. Yes, the answer is yes