A Note To My Former Self

Friday, January 9, 2015


There are so many things I said before having Lucca that I swore I would never do. I also had a perfectly painted picture of how life would be like with a baby. I look back on my former self and just want to laugh in her face. 

1. Before: "Everything has a place and toys don't need to be strewn all over the house. My house won't even look like we have kids!"
After: Toys. Books. Beepy things. Blocks. All over the Goddamn place. In the basement, in the living room, in the kitchen, in our bedroom. And what does the kid play with? Coozies, remotes, pots and pans and dog toys. 



2. Before: "I only need 1 stroller. Why do people have so many? Do you really need a jogging stroller to go jogging?"
After: One year later and I have FOUR freaking strollers. 1 is his stroller where the newborn carseat snapped into, 1 is an umbrella stroller, and yes, I have two jogging strollers. I thought I was getting a pretty damn good deal on the first jogging stroller I bought for $15 but later realized it's for more experienced stroller joggers. The second I also bought off an online yardsale site and I actually prefer taking that out for walks around the 'hood with the dog in tow. Have I done any jogging yet, you ask? Hahaha.


3. Before: "My car will always be clean, the way I like it. There's no reason to have food in the 
car."

After: Toys. Books. Beepy things. Goldfish crumbs. Ritz cracker crumbs. Two-week old curdled milk in a sippy cup. Blankets. 4 strollers. That didn't last long...

4. Before: I hate baby gates! They take up space and look awful.

After: 2 play-yards (also known as "baby jail" ), 1 gate at the top of the stairs, multiple DIY blockades, as well as furniture straps, cabinet and drawer locks, every electrical cover imaginable etc. just to keep him contained and safe and make our lives miserable.

5. Before: I'd love to work from home. He will play and keep himself occupied and I can make a little money while I stay with him. 

After: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


The thing is, I'm pretty sure we all do this. We're a little judge-y and hoity-toity (even though we don't like to admit it) before we find ourselves literally doing the exact same thing we all said we wouldn't do. Or when we say how easy everything will be and how differently we'd do things as parents.

So..

Dear Former Self,

Shit is about to get real

Shut up before you say you're whole house won't be consumed by every stage of your kid's life: first the baby swings, the playmats, then the exer-saucers and ride-along toys, strollers... It will. You will trip over your kid's shit every single day of your life. You will exhaust yourself just putting your kid's crap away that you will leave out all of your own crap, or vice versa. You will have a messy car--wait, you're whole life is going to be messy. You will find dried bananas in the back of your hair from when your kid ate them yesterday for breakfast. You will be so excited for trash and recycle days that you think its Christmas morning. 

Your house will be locked up like friggin' Fort Knox and you will become so limber stepping over two-foot tall plastic gates that you will be able to do it in your sleep. And you'll have to do it in your sleep because you will be so exhausted from sleepless nights and napless days while you try to work from home with your kid screaming in your ear.  

So shut up and brace yourself for what is about to come. Never say never. Just remember that.

-Present Self


1 comment:

  1. OMG I read this in an office and burst out loud laughing. You made my day. ♡

    ReplyDelete