8 Times I "Literally Can't Even" With My Toddler

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

My now 22-month old (jeez that sounds so stupid...he's almost 2) has been on a mission to make my life difficult these days. Then I read somewhere that making life difficult is a toddler's only job description. But damn, sometimes I just can't handle the MADNESS. 

1. I literally can’t even handle the 38 toys that you’ve all of a sudden decided have to travel to and from your bed every single freaking day. First I have to carry your heavy ass everywhere and now I’ve got to haul around your entourage too? Your friends may start to disappear when you aren’t looking.

2. I literally can’t even negotiate with you when there is no car-like shopping cart available at the grocery store. Or that we can’t go to the park at 6:30 a.m. Or that we can’t run through the parking lot. Or that we shouldn’t put a potty seat on our heads and dance around. 

3. I literally can’t even believe there is a toilet in my kitchen. While I’m enjoying a nice meal, you’re just running around the house naked and occasionally making it in time to this plastic receptacle that sits in the corner. There is a reason why it’s placed next to the bar cart with the wine rack.

4. I literally can’t even believe that you have to jump and/or dive off of every startionary object in this house. Seriously kid, you are not a stunt man. Our house is not made of rubber, bouncy foam. But by all means, leap off the dining room chairs or the 6th stair. 

5. I literally can’t even handle the fact that you last all of 20 minutes in a restaurant. Order your food too soon, you scarf it down and you’re ready to hit the road before anyone else even takes a bite. Order your food with everyone else and you turn into a starving devil spawn. Whatever the case, when you’re finished, that means everyone else must be done too. I’m sorry, are you paying for this meal?

6. I literally can’t even fight you to take a bath. What happened to those blissful, cheery days you spent splashing around in the bubbles with your rubber duckies?  Now you scream like the water is melting your happiness away. I don’t care what it takes, the days-old spaghetti that is crusted in your hair and copious amounts of dirt that covers your body is coming off one way or another. 

7. I literally can't even deal with the fact that we can't just leave the house in an orderly fashion. You refuse to wear shoes, you want to bring every toy you own, you want to walk to the car yourself but you don't actually want to get in, you won't bend your body to sit in your carseat, and you just pooped.

8. I literally can't even run after you anymore. You've been walking since November, but really kid, you only WALKED for like, a day. I put you down and you run off like you are some kind of caged animal who's been waiting to bust out. I'm jealous of those kids that want to hold mommy's hand and go for walks. Instead, I'm over here screaming like a man on the outside of Panera with the entire restaurant staring at me just so you don't run in the street. Do they offer Free 2-Day shipping on monkey-backpack-leashes on Amazon? 

No days are easy. Every day is as crazy as the next. I literally can't even on most occasions. But at the end of the day, the madness is so worth it.

Disney Adventures: Part II

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

So I know that you've been hanging on to the suspense of my next blog post about our trip to Disney. I know, and I'm sorry. Things have been out of control around here. My kid is jumping off furniture left and right, we've started the initial potty training process, and we don't stop moving until the sun goes down (more on that later). Writing about our trip to the hottest, I mean happiest, place on Earth just had to wait.
But alas, Nonna is here visiting and I have some freedom to leave the confines of my basement and actually formulate real adult words. Words outside of the realm of learning how to control bodily functions. So, here we go. Back to Disney.
We didn't do Disney like most people do Disney. Well, I shouldn't say that. But from what I see from friends and family on Facebook is that people actually plan these things out down to the millisecond. No, not us. We jumped on this trip with my sister and brother-in-law and their three children, bought our plane tickets a month before, bought our park tickets a week before, and had no idea what we'd do or see. We only really planned to hit up two parks (Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom) since we figured those would be the only ones Lucca would care about. My sister and her family came earlier in the week, hit up the other parks, and then we all went together on a Thursday and Friday.

A few things. It was hot as shit. Unless you have a semi-free trip with a free place to stay and discounted tickets, don't EVER go to Disney in freaking June. Also, don't go during that time unless you WANT to sweat out 30 pounds in a single day. And don't plan on your kids looking cute in pictures if you go to Disney in June because they will always look like overheated sweaty messes. That's just a side note. Also a side note: if you ever go to Disney in the summer months, don't be the idiot that waits until they go to the park to buy the $20 squirt fan because that shit's batteries will die in an hour of using it. Go to the dollar store before your trip.

We had a great time at both the parks with no planning whatsoever. We walked around Magic Kingdom, hit up the popular rides: the teacups, Dumbo, etc, saw a few shows, watched the parade in the afternoon, and we were good. The kids were spent by 4 p.m. We had a few meltdowns by everyone, including the adults, and we were ready to go. Lucca was happy the entire day just as long as we kept feeding him and letting him run around and get out of his sweat-pool of a stroller. By the end of the day, all anybody wanted to do was shower. And nap. And drink alcohol. (Us, not the kids. Duh)

The second day we went to Animal Kingdom. I don't know why, but I guess I just pictured it to be a huge zoo with attractions all around it. I literally saw 2 monkeys the entire time we walked around. We did take a little safari bus and Lucca was so excited to see all of the animals in their "habitats", but I guess I expected them to be sprawled throughout the park. By the time we took that safari, everyone was pissed off, hot and tired, so it kind of lost it's appeal. It was more like "Oh my god let's just do this and get it over with". Yay animals.

After the sweaty safari, we had our dinner reservation with all of the Disney characters at one of the restaurants. Our friends had suggested doing this instead of waiting in a long line for a stupid picture (The one we got with Goofy was the shortest!)  It was literally the most expensive meal we've ever paid for (especially for hardly eating any of it because I was too busy chasing my son who wanted to kidnap Donald and Daisy), but in the end, it was worth the money. Lucca is OBSESSED with Mickey Mouse, so I knew he'd love it. Plus, he got to join in on a little dance party action right in the middle of dinner. He was in Heaven.

Trust me, I had so many people question why the hell would we take Lucca to Disney now, when he's so little. But honestly, this kid practically jumped out of his damn skin when they came around the corner to our table. And then, he just wouldn't leave them alone. No, he won't remember a damn thing about it. But I'll never forget that dinner. And these faces:

And this bill:

All in all, it was a great trip. Lucca did a much better job traveling than I ever imagined he would, we handled everything better than I ever imagined we would, and I'm so glad we went on this adventure. We won't be back to this magical place for at least another decade, but we've got some great memories to hold us over until then!


Mama's Separation Anxiety

Monday, July 6, 2015

Last week, Lucca spent three days at my mom's house. When she offered to pick him up and have him stay with her, I jumped on that opportunity and immediately thought of a million things I wanted to do during those 72 hours of kid-free time. Sleeping and drinking were high on my list. Because, priorities.
I met her halfway between my house and hers, loaded up the extra carseat in her car and transferred all of his necessities for his mini-vacay. He could not have been more excited to see her and could have cared less that I wasn't coming along with him. I hopped back in my car, waved goodbye and set on down the road back home.

Bringing a few friends for the ride
This isn't the first time I've been away from him. Greg and I have been on trips before and have had our moms watch him while we are away. But this was the first time not having him at our house with us. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the first time in (almost) two years that it's just been the two of us. I started to think about that on the way home, and after almost 5 times of checking his carseat and reassuring myself that I hadn't forgotten him somewhere (seriously, does anybody else do this?) I made it home to a very quiet house.

For all the loud-ass beeping and singing toys we have in our house that Lucca plays with, for all the screaming and screeching and yelling that goes on in a daily basis, the silence was deafening. And I felt like I was trying to have conversations with our pets. Sure, my conversations with Lucca are pretty minimal, but at least he's human and answers me 90% of the time. I didn't have a happy, cheerful face to greet me in the morning, either. I mean I love my husband, but "cheerful face" does not describe him at 6 o'clock in the morning.
The first two days, I did take advantage of the extra Zzz's when I took a mid-day nap. I also enjoyed some time lounging at the pool and reading all the magazines I've been meaning to read since December. It was glorious. Not having to run around in a bathing suit and fear my child is going to drown every 5 seconds- that alone was relaxing.

However,  I did find myself doing things that I've become so accustomed to doing with Lucca around. When I went to the grocery store, I drove round until I found the closest spot up front and next to the shopping carts-- what I usually do with Lucca in tow so that it's easier to get in and out. I would tiptoe upstairs at night so I wouldn't wake him up, forgetting that he wasn't in his room. I would turn on the baby monitor, forgetting that there wasn't anyone to watch. I would close gates behind me, forgetting I didn't have a wild child here to keep contained. Every time I would do something like that, I'd just laugh at myself. I need to get out more, apparently.

By the third day, I was freaking bored. Yes, I said it. I wanted all this free time, and then when I got it, I was bored as shit. I don't know if it's because we're always on-the-go and doing something, but I was so bored I didn't know what to do with myself. I missed the hell out of my kid. I got some time to myself, but it was way too quiet here that I think it was starting to drive me crazy. I did enjoy the clean house and the extra snooze time, but damn. That was a long three days without any crazy in this house.

Be careful what you wish for, I guess? We all need a break sometimes, but it's funny how much you miss your babe when you are away from each other for so long. I quickly learned that I had a bit of separation anxiety from not having a miniature human attached to any of my limbs. Next time maybe I'll plan some more "activities" so that I'm not stuck here talking to myself like a crazy person. Jeesh.


Thursday, July 2, 2015



Another Slice of Cheesecake

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The other night G went out and I stayed home with Lucca. I wanted to go out, we could have found a babysitter, but I really didn't mind having some quiet time to myself on a Saturday night. We had a very busy day, and Lucca was practically begging me to put him to bed.
He went to sleep no problem, and I poured myself a glass of wine, watched 'How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days' on TV, and perused around Pinterest for awhile. I put myself to bed when I couldn't really keep my eyes open anymore and when I ran out of wine. Snooze city on a Saturday night.
At 4 a.m., for whatever reason, I was woken up by Lucca crying out in his room. I waited a second before I even turned on the monitor. When I flicked on the screen, I saw him standing there with his blanket in one hand and a cat named Buttercup (Bubber-Bup) from my childhood in the other. Now I usually, (and I'm talking like 99% of the time), let him get himself back to sleep. But his cry sounded different. I didn't wait much longer.
I walked in to his room, scooped him up (with his blankie and Bubber-Bup still in clenched in his hands) and he instantly quieted when he flopped over my left shoulder. Now again, this isn't usually my tactic. If I ever do go in his room, it's usually to lay him down and walk right out. But I couldn't. Not tonight. I missed this.
I don't know why, but I felt so sad when I picked him up. I could really see how big he's grown just by how far his legs extended past my hips when I held him. I felt sad at how heavy he felt, the way it took real arm strength to hold up his sleepy body. I missed him being a baby. Maybe it's because I sub-consciously want another baby? And then I wondered, standing in his room at 4 a.m., if I really could ever love another baby the way I have loved this boy. And after all we've been through, would I be able to do this a second-time around? Yes, I know. Profound thoughts for 4 a.m. Maybe it was the wine.

There's that question that everyone asks: "Do you think you'll have more?" As if "having more" is like having more shoes. Or having another slice of cheesecake. There's much more to it. Yes, in theory we want to "have more". But we're so focused on our lives the way they are now that it's difficult to imagine anything different. And when I look back on these past two years, I really wonder if I can handle it all with another babe in the mix. And more importantly, I'm so obsessed with our first babe that I'm not sure I'm ready for that huge shift in our lives.

And this is why motherhood is absolutely INSANE. Pregnancy is a joy and a pain. Childbirth is a joy and (a lot of) pain. And everything after that is a cluster-f*@# of emotions. So many highs and peaks of happiness, so much that your heart could just burst. And then there are so many lows with frustration and weakness when you feel like you're just not gonna make it. You don't know it 'til you're living it. And when you do, you want to do it all over again. Seriously. We're all freaking crazy. It's the best damn thing ever, but it's crazy, you have to admit it.

It's all happened so quickly, as everyone says it does. Our little babe that used to squeak and coo and snuggle now runs around our house like a crazy person and bosses us around on a daily basis. We've made it through difficult phases and have celebrated so many amazing moments. He made us parents, and we are still relishing in that fact every single day.

So right now, I'm just trying to hold on to everything and squeeze the goodness out of every moment with our #1, before we even think about #2. You can probably find me in his room at 4 a.m. like a creeper listening to him breathe, just like I did when he was a newborn. I know that moments like that are numbered, so I'll take advantage of them now.

Ahh motherhood. You never cease to take my emotions on a freaking roller coaster ride.