8 Times I "Literally Can't Even" With My Toddler

Tuesday, July 28, 2015



My now 22-month old (jeez that sounds so stupid...he's almost 2) has been on a mission to make my life difficult these days. Then I read somewhere that making life difficult is a toddler's only job description. But damn, sometimes I just can't handle the MADNESS. 

1. I literally can’t even handle the 38 toys that you’ve all of a sudden decided have to travel to and from your bed every single freaking day. First I have to carry your heavy ass everywhere and now I’ve got to haul around your entourage too? Your friends may start to disappear when you aren’t looking.

2. I literally can’t even negotiate with you when there is no car-like shopping cart available at the grocery store. Or that we can’t go to the park at 6:30 a.m. Or that we can’t run through the parking lot. Or that we shouldn’t put a potty seat on our heads and dance around. 

3. I literally can’t even believe there is a toilet in my kitchen. While I’m enjoying a nice meal, you’re just running around the house naked and occasionally making it in time to this plastic receptacle that sits in the corner. There is a reason why it’s placed next to the bar cart with the wine rack.

4. I literally can’t even believe that you have to jump and/or dive off of every startionary object in this house. Seriously kid, you are not a stunt man. Our house is not made of rubber, bouncy foam. But by all means, leap off the dining room chairs or the 6th stair. 

5. I literally can’t even handle the fact that you last all of 20 minutes in a restaurant. Order your food too soon, you scarf it down and you’re ready to hit the road before anyone else even takes a bite. Order your food with everyone else and you turn into a starving devil spawn. Whatever the case, when you’re finished, that means everyone else must be done too. I’m sorry, are you paying for this meal?

6. I literally can’t even fight you to take a bath. What happened to those blissful, cheery days you spent splashing around in the bubbles with your rubber duckies?  Now you scream like the water is melting your happiness away. I don’t care what it takes, the days-old spaghetti that is crusted in your hair and copious amounts of dirt that covers your body is coming off one way or another. 

7. I literally can't even deal with the fact that we can't just leave the house in an orderly fashion. You refuse to wear shoes, you want to bring every toy you own, you want to walk to the car yourself but you don't actually want to get in, you won't bend your body to sit in your carseat, and you just pooped.

8. I literally can't even run after you anymore. You've been walking since November, but really kid, you only WALKED for like, a day. I put you down and you run off like you are some kind of caged animal who's been waiting to bust out. I'm jealous of those kids that want to hold mommy's hand and go for walks. Instead, I'm over here screaming like a man on the outside of Panera with the entire restaurant staring at me just so you don't run in the street. Do they offer Free 2-Day shipping on monkey-backpack-leashes on Amazon? 

No days are easy. Every day is as crazy as the next. I literally can't even on most occasions. But at the end of the day, the madness is so worth it.


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