5 Things I Wish My Toddler Understood

Friday, November 20, 2015

My son just turned two a month ago, and we are all still adjusting to this new, ahem, “phase”. The fact is, two year olds think they run shit. They live life according to their own agenda, and my kid is no exception. I know we’re likely to endure this stage of toddlerhood for awhile, but there are a few things I just wish my son knew already…

1. Just because you can pick it up and hold it, does not mean it needs to be flung clear across the room.
I have dodged so many objects that have been hurdled toward my face. Legos, stuffed animals, mulch, forks, diapers. I’ve considered wearing a hockey mask to protect myself. No place is safe.

2. You don’t have to do the opposite of what I ask you EVERY SINGLE TIME. Surprise me once in awhile, ya know? Actually eat your food, don’t feed the dog your mac and cheese. Hold my hand in the parking lot instead of making a daring dash past the car. Honestly, your brain is working overtime to give it that much thought. Give your little head a break.

3. You don’t need to see my face at 3 a.m. every morning. You will be awake in 3 more hours, calling from your bed to come get you and demanding a cup of milk. Let’s just wait for that moment. I’ll be happier to see you at a decent hour and might even give in to a few of your requests. 

4. You don’t own everything. The slide at the park is not yours. My shoe; not yours. The dog’s tail; not yours. I understand this is your world and were just living in it, but you can’t just claim everything you set your eyes on. 

5. You do own your boogers. Though I fully appreciate your effort in sharing with me, really, you can keep your boogers to yourself. I don’t need to wear them as an accessory on my sleeve or shoved in my face inches away from my eyeballs. Boogers; yours.

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