Let Go of the Guilt

Sunday, June 19, 2016

On the eve of Leo's impending arrival (I will be induced Monday evening), I have a lot of feelings. Oh man, allll the feelings. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, super sentimental... all with the extra pregnancy hormones tacked on to make me a serious emotional headcase. 
Since Thursday of last week, I have kept thinking "this was it"-- things were happening, I was for sure going into labor, and our lives would be changing. Bags are packed, the car seat is installed, and I was just preparing myself for those last moments with my first-born. Well, it's Sunday night, things slowed down today, and my definite end-of-the-road of this pregnancy will be met in exactly 24 hours with my induction date.
What makes me nervous about tomorrow isn't the delivery at all, to be honest. I know what to expect this time at least, and for the most part I believe that it will be a smooth and safe delivery. What makes me nervous is knowing that tomorrow is my last full day with just Lucca. I know it sounds silly, but the guilt of all this change is piling on hard, and I feel the pressure to make every single moment count. Like every single moment. Even the times where I'm making him dinner, or playing Justin Bieber for the ten-thousandth time in the car. "Soak it in, soak it in, soak it in...this will all be different soon..." Or making sure that every minute of every day he's busy, he's happy, he's entertained. Summer camp. Pool days. Park days. Library trips. The guilt man, the freaking guilt.
I don't know how to explain to him that I'll be gone for a few days and that when I return I'll be bringing this little human we've been talking about for months now back to our house. That Daddy has to stay with me too so he won't be able to read him stories for a few nights. I don't know how to explain to him that we will kiss him goodnight one night, and when he sees us again he will have to share us with his new baby brother. I just. don't. know.
Again, I know it sounds ridiculous. And I've heard it so many times-- "Your heart will burst", "You will just know", "You never think you could love your second as much as your first--but you do". Honestly, you'd think I'm mourning this time- this chapter ending as my first (almost) three years as a first-time mama, but I can't help but feel the guilt. The guilt of turning this kid's life upside down, the guilt for spending the last several months saying things like "Mommy can't chase you" or "I don't have any room in my lap". 
It's heavy. And though I know he's excited about his brother now, and though I know our lives will eventually adapt, I'm flooded with worry about how to balance this new love. How to have the same experiences with Leo that I've had with Lucca. How to make Lucca know that he's our everything, always...It's such a weird feeling expecting another baby when you've had this one little person who has been your priority for so long. This one little person who made you a mama, who was there for all the "firsts" and accomplishments and low points.
I want so badly to shove the guilt I feel for Lucca to the side, but then there's the guilt I feel for Leo already. Like man, I haven't even met you yet and I haven't given you 100% thought like I should. I just want to be excited, period. Not excited but sad and feeling like a freakin' hot mess express when these should be the happiest moments of my life. Please just tell me this is just the hormones...
If there were ever an instruction manual on motherhood, I wish I could read the chapter on this topic tonight. I know eventually I'll figure it out. I'll have good days and bad days, and there will one day come a time where I think to myself, "I don't remember life without both of these beautiful boys", but tonight it's hard. And all I can do is wake up in the morning, accept all the hugs and kisses and tantrums and tears and everything in between, and try to just let go of that damn guilt.