Sunday Night Ramblings

Monday, October 31, 2016

This time last year I had just found out I was pregnant--I was trying to keep a secret from friends and family that we would be expecting another babe. (Which was really difficult because I had already planned a night out for my birthday then had to dodge drinks all night). Man, how quickly time flies.. and how quickly life can change. Things are a lot different now, to say the least.

Now we have a three-year-old, a 4 month old, and bigger bags under our eyes (if that were even possible.) but the love has grown so much since Leo came into this world. It's so hard to imagine what life was actually like before we had a roly-poly baby as part of our family. And wow, why did we EVER think that having a baby was so hard?

I mean, I get it. As a first time mama I was right there in the depths of Crazytown, feeling completely overwhelmed and thinking this was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced and how the HELL were we going to make it...because until that point in our lives it WAS the most difficult thing. But fast forward a couple years, throw in a preschooler with lots of opinions and non-stop energy and you tend to forget the baby phase. And hey, 3 years later and we still aren't sleeping so we've got that part down.
Life with two has been fast-paced, often times chaotic, but somehow it works. Honestly I don't know how, but somehow we make it through each day alive with mostly everybody happy (there's always tears at some point) and we wake up the next day and do it all over again. As a mama, I have great days where I feel like I'm completely balanced, winning at life, winning at mommy-hood, and then there are days where I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for 10 hours straight. 
I still struggle with the work-at-home stress and guilt from not giving my kids the attention they deserve. I cringe everytime Lucca asks to cuddle on the couch or play a game with him and I have to tell him for the millionth time "Mommy has to work".  I hate hearing my own words. Or when I transfer Leo from the floor to the bouncy seat to the swing, anything to keep him occupied--when all I want to do is just hold him and make him giggle. 

But it is what it is. I realize our situation is a lucky one--but that doesn't mean it's not hard. It was difficult with one, and now having two that both want me and need me 24/7 has presented even more challenges. I wrote a post before that I never feel like I can give 100% to anything.. my time and my attention is split in so many ways, and when I feel that I put more into one area, the other suffers. I don't know how to make a perfect balance to where I feel like I'm a great mom, wife and doing a good job at work. And on top of that, making time for myself. Because honestly, if you're feeling crappy, how are you supposed to make everyone else happy? 
Seriously people, how do you do it? Or do you just go through life knowing that one will always get the shit-end-the-stick? Because if that's the case, then that really sucks. There's got to be some way to do it. And it's crazy the pressure we put on ourselves to make it all work. You look at people all the time and think they've got it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out and so wish that I did.. like even just a little bit.

That's my Libra talking. Balance. I need the balance
My recent 30th (!!) birthday has got me all reflective and wondering if I'm doing this whole thing the right way.  Or the best way. I guess I always imagined by this point in my life I would have it all figured out and not have any of the worry or doubt that I do now. Maybe I'll have this all worked out by my 35th birthday?