183 days.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Well, we've made it to the half-year mark. Our Leo bug is 6 months old. I don't know how that happened so quickly. Honestly, I think I've been sleep walking up until this point. My teeny babe is now a chunky babe, sitting up, fighting everyday to crawl and keep up with his big bro, squawking and screeching and more or less keeping us on our toes every minute of every day.
It hasn't been easy.
And I say that, because our first was easy. We got lucky the first time around. Round two? It's been tough. We've almost had to re-learn the early stages of parenthood because we got to bypass all the hard stuff the first time. I don't know how many times we've said "WHY IS HE DOING THIS!?" or "WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG!?" When in fact, he's just a normal, 6 month-old-baby. Duh.
Leo apparently doesn't love sleep like the rest of us, and I've literally never been so tired in my entire life. I'd really love to set up a camera to record what goes on between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. in our household. Two zombie parents shuffling from room to room, begging one kid to be quiet so as not to wake the other. Bathroom trips. Running into door frames in the pitch black. I've racked up quite a few bruises on both sides of my body just from trying to be stealth going in and out of bedrooms. It's been a painful, sleepless journey.
And all in all, it's been a rewarding one. Someone told me when I was feeling anxious about having a second baby that giving Lucca a brother was one of the greatest gifts we could ever give him. And I think about that all the time now because seeing Lucca with his baby bro is one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed. He makes him laugh. He's attentive. He calms him down when he's upset. He knows what he wants and needs. He's never jealous of him or resentful. Leo is so incredibly lucky to have him as a big brother. 
And everyday it gets better and better. Leo is more aware of his surroundings, showing his own little personality and interacting with Lucca more and more. He's desperate to be on the move-- he watches Lucca jump and dance and play around him and he wants nothing more than to be doing that with him. I'm lucky to be able to enjoy these moments between the two of them. 
But it's been hard to not want to look ahead and anticipate everything that he'll be learning soon. He's so frustrated being immobile at the moment that I often wish he could crawl across the floor and do what he wanted. But I know with that comes even more challenges. Baby-proofing. Making sure all of Lucca's teeny tiny crap is put away so he doesn't choke on anything. Chasing after the animals.
I've been trying to just enjoy where we're at now.  I just don't feel like I've had enough time in the day to truly soak in everything about Leo, and I hate that. There have been moments where I just cry and think that I don't really know him. I don't have the luxury of just the one-on-one time with him, snuggling or playing, or taking trips to the library. A lot of the time I feel like he got the short end of the stick because we're always on the move and working around his big brother's schedule. But unfortunately from what I've learned, there's just no other way. This is life with two. And he doesn't know any different. But I do. 
So in those moments of midnight wakings, I try so desperately to just rock him a few minutes longer. Just staring at him, taking a mental picture of how he looks in my lap, sprawled out with a grin on his face. Because really, that's the only time I have alone with him. I want him to have that same bond with me that Lucca does. I wish it came easily and more naturally, but often it feels forced. Like, "hold on a second. I need to stop time right now and enjoy this moment". 
And especially with the holidays, Lucca was so excited about Christmas and Santa and visiting family and friends, it's been busy and hectic and so focused on him. I know, babies can only do so much, but I wanted to remember Leo's first Christmas just as vividly as I remember Lucca's. 
Does it ever get easier? Or am I just putting too much pressure on myself to make each moment count? And make each moment count with each kid separately with just as much importance.